Joy
Sometimes I wonder if I have looked at my baby enough today. Honest to goodness this is a legitimate concern of mine. Did I soak in the moments enough? Did I miss something when I looked away or glanced at my phone? If I glanced at my phone and she saw me not looking at her she will probably talk to her therapist one day about how inattentive her mother was.
For 11 months I have held her for her naps. When I am at school she goes to my mom, her Gam, who has held her for naps. Just this week she has started to happily nap in her crib. This is also my last week of summer break. I feel guilty for not holding her… This time next week, I will be away from and missing her. Should I have just held her now?
Am I creating the right balance of security and independence for her?
I always say my hope for Kennedy is that someday she lives off grid, on a fully functional homestead, maybe in a Yurt with no debts or obligations to anyone outside herself. That she travels the world and surfs in Patagonia, off-roads on sand dunes in Dubai and watches the sunset behind the mountains. But, I’d like her to FaceTime me every day to check in :) I want her to be self-assured. Maybe she will become a marine biologist and live on a ship in the ocean. I just want her to be free. I don’t wish for a ‘conventional’ life for her. The 9-5 is a set-up, material needs are a trap. I just want her to find joy in her life.
Truth be told I have no idea what will bring her joy. The things I mention above are things I’ll likely never experience myself but I live a pretty joyful life. Every day can’t be an adventure, if you lived in paradise it would eventually stop feeling paradise. As I write this my baby is sleeping upstairs and I am staring out a window into the calm waters of a pond reflecting back the trees and the blue skies. I have a full belly and feel perfectly content.
When she wakes up we will spend our afternoon playing outside, sowing some starter seeds, shopping for my nieces birthday presents and possibly organizing my classroom. These are the every day tasks, the mundane, the necessary. But in those moments… I will watch my daughter explore and interpret the world, I will look forward to seeing our plants grow and harvesting their leaves, I will carefully think about what items my nieces will value, and I will construct a safe space for my students feeling nervous and excited to meet them at the same time.
This evening my husband will come home from work and together we will talk about our day. There are tense moments happening around the world. But within our 4 walls, we are at peace. Together we brainstorm what we are capable of doing to support each other’s goals, to make life a little easier for the other, and we watch as our children lean into their surroundings. Maybe we need to cut the grass, cook dinner or walk the trash to the end of the driveway. And in these moments there will be joy. Joy for the mild weather. Joy for the way our dogs run and play alongside us. Joy as we discuss where we’d like to put our garden.
Maybe if we all took a second to pause we’d realize the joy that surrounds us in the every day. Or if we pause and realize we can’t find it, maybe we can find the courage to create it. Joy doesn’t only live in the adventures. It lives in our small moments, our guilty pleasures and with those around us.
I don’t know what will bring Kennedy her joy. I just know that every day that I am a part of her journey, I will remind her to take every step she needs to to claim it. — xoxo
A few very simple things that bring me joy: