Sleep

I cried in my classroom last year in front of 12 junior students. It was the first hour of the day. I can’t remember now what started the conversation but we were discussing the immigration/refugee situation and a student and I were troubleshooting ideas on how to approach it. During the discussion one student asked me “so you just think we should let anyone come over?” At this point I snapped, I began a long monologue on appreciating that they can wake up feeling safe, that they are offered a free education and have the additional freedom to voice any concerns or disagreements they may have with those in charge and not fear harm…. It was actually a very touching, sincere monologue and the student seemed genuinely moved…until it turned into a nonsensical, crying ramble that ended with “I don’t know why I’m crying, I got like 3 hours of broken sleep last night and I cannot even function” as I left the room and tapped another teacher in to supervise my kids for a moment while I gathered myself.

Sleep deprivation is absolutely debilitating. At my best I am a composed and articulate instructor who can mediate tough conversations and capitalize on teachable moments. But on no sleep; the brain fog, the emotional and hormonal fluctuations, the irrational thinking, the lack of critical thinking skills, the irritability, can…at best, make it difficult to get through a work day…at worst, have you crying in a room full of 17 year olds. Parents everywhere are balancing the demands of their night job with their day job. Mostly silent. Attempting to be perfect at both while feeling as though you’re slowly losing your mind.

Prior to becoming a new mom and tending to an infant at all hours of the night, I was the Jedi master of sleep. The most expensive item in my home is the Tempurpedic mattress that was identified as a non-negotiable. It is topped with Brooklinen cooling sheets, a Tempurpedic pillow, 2 additional…and vitally important for contouring…feather pillows and an oversized plush comforter. This is housed in a room with blackout curtains, zero electronics 2 fans running and the thermostat turned down to a brisk 65 degrees. I was in bed by 8pm and slept like a kitten.

For all of my adult life, I functioned on a full night’s sleep with the knowledge that should I encounter an ‘off’ evening I had the option of a nap or earlier bedtime. It has now been 353 days since I have gone to bed on my own timeline or since I have slept through an entire night. Luckily 353 days later the deep, dark depths of sleep deprivation are behind me.

I fell into responsive parenting. Of course everything has a name and although I made no clear choice and what I have been doing just felt natural to me there turned out to be an entire culture behind it. Infant sleep can be incredibly polarizing between team sleep train vs. team soothe. Without knowing, I had actually signed up for an alliance when I chose to respond to my baby. I respond to every cry, whimper and wake up. I am the only one she wants in the middle of the night as I am the only one that provides directly sourced sleepy milks…

I’m not ready to wean, she is not ready to wean. We have no interest in weaning at this time. Responsive parenting is the sweetest curse. I look forward to the snuggles, to the closeness. And I take a bit of pride in that mom is always the answer. So how could I possibly be past the sleep deprivation if we have never sleep trained and still have night wakings?

We started to bedshare somewhere around 7 months. Alas, another polarizing parenting decision. I took to the internet and found Dr. McKenna who researched the benefits and safety involved with bedsharing. I read about The Lullaby Trust and the Safe Sleep 7 and as it turned out, many other countries bedshare as commonly as the US crib sleeps.

This works for us because she can start the evening in her crib and lasts anywhere from 60min-3 hours. Typically when I get tired of going up the stairs to put her back down I bring her into bed. She sleeps better, I sleep better and I wake up in the morning a fully functioning adult.

This is another way that this little has made me a better human. I am more selfless, I am more flexible, more patient, more willing to give others grace and much less of a sleep diva. — xoxo