Set it Down

Today I cried because I couldn’t find a place to park in downtown Columbia. I was so angry. I was so livid. Every car that passed me had no idea that I was struggling. That I just wanted to be able to park my car and run into a resale store and they were all oblivious to my struggle.

They didn’t realize how easy they had it. How convenient it would be for them to park and grab their bag and walk inside a store. They could take extra time. They could dawdle. They weren’t running out of time on an imaginary clock only they kept track of.

I was angry because I knew I wouldn’t be able to run in quick. I needed to take my sweater off to get my baby carrier on. I had spit up on me. I was trying to wear my hair down but it’s falling out and I keep picking pieces out of my babies hands.

I was angry because I wanted to go to this resale store and see if just maybe I could convince myself it’d be ok to spend some money on myself if it was a sale. I parked in a no parking zone. I knew I’d be fast.

The resale store was still too expensive and I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything. My baby was crying because he needed to nap. But I just wanted to maybe do something for myself. I cried because I missed my oldest baby. I cried because I was being selfish. I cried because this trip would be easier by myself but I already miss too much time from my baby through the week being at work.

I cried because I need a break but there isn’t a good place to put one. I cried because I felt silly. I cried because I didn’t want to pump this morning and now my boobs are a little too full and it’s stressing me out. I cried because I didn’t know who to call. I cried because I shouldn’t need to call anyone, the only way to heal is to go through it. I cried because I’m impatient. There are so many things I want for my family and they just take time.

I cried because we didn’t sleep well last night. I cried because I felt so incredibly lonely in my struggle and I just wanted to set it down but there was nowhere to put it.